Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA A new census report reveals the U.S. has over 316 million nobodies, Carlos Santana surprises his wife with a coupon for a free 45-minute guitar solo, and Picasso's 'Guernica' triples in value after being autographed by the 1994 New York Rangers. It's the week of May 2, 2014. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/